You know that moment when you're standing in a room amongst a group of friends, a gathering like any other, and then THAT person walks in the room. The person you don't yet know, but know that you are going to know. Not in that subtle, we're about to shake hands and be nonchalantly introduced and carry on with our evening sort of way, but that automatic goddammit gut-wrenching reaction you get when your attraction is fatal. I see you, you see me, you see me seeing you, and this is going to happen. It might not happen tonight, it might not happen this week, but some time down the line there will be something between us and there is nothing either of us can do to stop it. It may be brief, it may be casual, or it may last an agonizingly long time....but.it.will.happen.
You love these moments for the exact same reason you hate these moments. The tension is high waiting for this person to make their way across the room toward you, standing just far enough away that one of you must make the first move. You feel it, they feel it, and my god do you both want to say something. Then you do... and it starts. The build-up is enough to activate even the most asinine comment into hours of banter on quite literally anything. You find yourself laughing at remarks you'd consider calling your own mother retarded for making, but in this case they seem intelligible and charming.
Then you remember why you hate these moments. After some undetermined amount of time, one of you has to break. They need another drink, they have friends they are neglecting, or it is just plain social tact not to spend your entire evening ogling over one individual(no matter how much you want to). You aimlessly find your way back to the friends you came for and spend the rest of the night wondering how long it will be until they find themselves in your vicinity again. You ask all your friends vague questions about the individual while trying to appear as indifferent as possible.
The person always ends up back your way before the evening is over and makes it a point to socialize with the rest of your group, ensuring they are in fact not desperate and not standing there only for your attention(even when they are). Your anxieties diminish when they tell you about the next big event they'll be attending, or invite you out with “everyone” to some semi-casual outing that will be taking place over the next few days. Then you spend the next few days harassing the hell out of any of your friends who will also be attending said event, making it a point that you REALLY want to go this time.
So you go, and there you are. They enter and graze the room until their eyes lock yours. You become a
magnetic target and everyone they pass on their way to you is a road block. With every friend and acquaintance they embrace, you can visibly see the tension in their bodies that so desperately want to make their way to yours, their eyes darting your way after every spoken word from another. Every handshake, hug, and hello is a slow torture that they can't quite stand and you sit back and ache a little with them and soak up the glory that comes when you know you're wanted by the very one you want.
These moments are so few and far between in life that you can feel your very knees sink beneath you when you finally touch. Remember THOSE smiles you get from the opposite sex that are so prevalent in the beginning of a courtship? The ones that are filled with wonderment and curiosity, and the present innocence of detachment yet ignited flame, the calm before the storm, the dawn before the rising sun. The smiles, that outside of these few brief weeks, you'll likely never come across on this person again....yes, THOSE smiles.
Then you finally build up the courage to start seeing each other solely, casually. Movies, restaurants, bars, and whatever silly way you can use for a backdrop to your conversations. These are the moments where your crush solidifies and leads you to that one defining moment: The Kiss (or whatever else).
While such an event is a making moment for a relationship, it is the breaking moment for a crush. These are the moments where people “realize” things they hadn't quite thought of before and it all falls apart. The few days following are when you realize just how much you feel for this person and just how not OK you are with it and how terrified you are of being hurt again. Or you decide that you only kinda-sorta feel for this person and how not OK you are about that as well. You realize that maybe you aren't quite as over so-and-so from before and the thought of this attraction turning into a co-dependent relationship scares the utmost dogshit out of you. That, or you find yourself having those sneaking feelings of jealousy or insecurity that you had forgotten exist within you. You start decoding all the things they did or didn't say and realize within yourself that “something” just isn't right. You're not right, they're not right, and one of you is going to realize it first. If you're the one who realizes it, the crush is theirs; if they realize it, the crush is yours. This is what separates a crush from a heartbreak, they reel you in just enough to crush your ego, but not enough to break your heart.
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