My Ideal Man

If I had to write the quintessential romance about the oh-so-perfect male, who said the oh-so-perfect thing, at the oh-so-perfect time, I'd burn it....but not before shamefully sharing it, of course.

Ok, so here it goes....

It would be fall, most certainly fall when we met. He would be tall, but not too tall. Handsome, but not too handsome. The dashing good looks of Clooney in his present aged years, blended with a few off-beat characteristics like a James Franco smile and that damned surprised look Jake Gyllenhaal always wears on his face. His hair would most certainly be dishelved and tuggable, and brown of course. He would have a stylish air about him and wear his clothes in a slightly unkempt manner. An understatement that displayed an “I care, but not too much” attitude. Which, I assure you, would be his disposition on life. He would be the type of male who was centered on his interests and generally unimpressed by frills and frivolity. His mission in life would in no way be dictated by dollar signs and status, but by genuine interest and the form of discipline that comes only from true passion.

He would have taste, great taste. I'm not talking red wine and Beethoven, I'm talking whiskey straight up and maybe a button down shirt; my idea of class is rather simple. He would be the type to keep a respectable place, but a man's place. His clothes would be sitting in his computer chair all wadded up and he would have at least 6 different books strewn across the coffee table. The corner of his floor would be scattered in miscellaneous DVDs and he would have last night's drinks still sitting on the counter. The kind of apartment that says “Hey, I have a life” to attend to but I'm not a complete mess. Most importantly, he would own a handful of “Hey” objects. If you don't know what that means, it is the period in time when you come across one of your most favored things in the world at someone else's place. For example (or in my case), he would own the box set series to Planet Earth, a 6-pack of Breckenridge Vanilla Porter, and maybe a picture from an event we both attended years ago unbeknownst to each others existence.

He would wear sexy morning glasses. This is to any girl who has ever dated a guy with contacts and woken up to him in glasses and felt that unexplainable need to ravish him because of it. I don't know the psychological science behind this mystery, but I know there is one. Ladies?

He would be the kind of guy who kisses his mother goodbye on the forehead and is still only comfortable giving his dad one of those awkward forced sidehugs. He will have grown up with a childhood dog as all good men do and come from a quaint hometown. His parents beginnings in life will have been meager at best, but they “made do” until they established themselves in late adulthood. Because of this, he will have established a kind of character that realizes the actuality and value of hard work. He will have played a sport or two in his life but retired them as hobbies that he participates in twice annually “when the boys come to town.” When he hits his forties, he'll coach.

He'll also have managed to read this entire thing without giving up, rolling his eyes, or feeling some odd sense of insecurity. So uhm, if this is you, call me?

What Having A Crush Is Like

You know that moment when you're standing in a room amongst a group of friends, a gathering like any other, and then THAT person walks in the room. The person you don't yet know, but know that you are going to know. Not in that subtle, we're about to shake hands and be nonchalantly introduced and carry on with our evening sort of way, but that automatic goddammit gut-wrenching reaction you get when your attraction is fatal. I see you, you see me, you see me seeing you, and this is going to happen. It might not happen tonight, it might not happen this week, but some time down the line there will be something between us and there is nothing either of us can do to stop it. It may be brief, it may be casual, or it may last an agonizingly long time....but.it.will.happen.

You love these moments for the exact same reason you hate these moments. The tension is high waiting for this person to make their way across the room toward you, standing just far enough away that one of you must make the first move. You feel it, they feel it, and my god do you both want to say something. Then you do... and it starts. The build-up is enough to activate even the most asinine comment into hours of banter on quite literally anything. You find yourself laughing at remarks you'd consider calling your own mother retarded for making, but in this case they seem intelligible and charming.

Then you remember why you hate these moments. After some undetermined amount of time, one of you has to break. They need another drink, they have friends they are neglecting, or it is just plain social tact not to spend your entire evening ogling over one individual(no matter how much you want to). You aimlessly find your way back to the friends you came for and spend the rest of the night wondering how long it will be until they find themselves in your vicinity again. You ask all your friends vague questions about the individual while trying to appear as indifferent as possible.

The person always ends up back your way before the evening is over and makes it a point to socialize with the rest of your group, ensuring they are in fact not desperate and not standing there only for your attention(even when they are). Your anxieties diminish when they tell you about the next big event they'll be attending, or invite you out with “everyone” to some semi-casual outing that will be taking place over the next few days. Then you spend the next few days harassing the hell out of any of your friends who will also be attending said event, making it a point that you REALLY want to go this time.

So you go, and there you are. They enter and graze the room until their eyes lock yours. You become a

magnetic target and everyone they pass on their way to you is a road block. With every friend and acquaintance they embrace, you can visibly see the tension in their bodies that so desperately want to make their way to yours, their eyes darting your way after every spoken word from another. Every handshake, hug, and hello is a slow torture that they can't quite stand and you sit back and ache a little with them and soak up the glory that comes when you know you're wanted by the very one you want.

These moments are so few and far between in life that you can feel your very knees sink beneath you when you finally touch. Remember THOSE smiles you get from the opposite sex that are so prevalent in the beginning of a courtship? The ones that are filled with wonderment and curiosity, and the present innocence of detachment yet ignited flame, the calm before the storm, the dawn before the rising sun. The smiles, that outside of these few brief weeks, you'll likely never come across on this person again....yes, THOSE smiles.

Then you finally build up the courage to start seeing each other solely, casually. Movies, restaurants, bars, and whatever silly way you can use for a backdrop to your conversations. These are the moments where your crush solidifies and leads you to that one defining moment: The Kiss (or whatever else).

While such an event is a making moment for a relationship, it is the breaking moment for a crush. These are the moments where people “realize” things they hadn't quite thought of before and it all falls apart. The few days following are when you realize just how much you feel for this person and just how not OK you are with it and how terrified you are of being hurt again. Or you decide that you only kinda-sorta feel for this person and how not OK you are about that as well. You realize that maybe you aren't quite as over so-and-so from before and the thought of this attraction turning into a co-dependent relationship scares the utmost dogshit out of you. That, or you find yourself having those sneaking feelings of jealousy or insecurity that you had forgotten exist within you. You start decoding all the things they did or didn't say and realize within yourself that “something” just isn't right. You're not right, they're not right, and one of you is going to realize it first. If you're the one who realizes it, the crush is theirs; if they realize it, the crush is yours. This is what separates a crush from a heartbreak, they reel you in just enough to crush your ego, but not enough to break your heart.

Just Say No

This is an official proclamation, a solemn dedication, to just say no. No, no, no.

Assuming you read anything that I say, I am likely to conclude that you have reached your 20s. This being said, I can also conclude that you are in the dating (or whatever) prime of your life. As of late, every talk show and radio program I come across are discussing the new “rejection hotlines” and other miscellaneous cop-out systems for people who just can't seem to grow a sack, people just like me. So, awkwardettes of the world, this is my conclusive list of why just getting it over with and saying “No” is the best possible solution out there.

1. Don't Waste His/Her Time.
   As a whole, men are a pretty clueless breed. The average male has likely tripled the “friend zone” ratio that women have and is exhausted trying to decode the Rubik's Cube of female intention. Pop culture tells women to ignore men that they like while simultaneously telling them to completely ignore men they don't like. So, if you like him: ignore him. If you don't like him: ignore him. Makes sense, right? Wrong.
   Look, Ladies, just say no. That is the only decided way to evade uncomfortable texts and the almost kiss at every door you're trying to close in his face. Stop calling well-intentioned men “creeps” and own up to the fact you're just being a passive little bitch-baby. Don't give him a fake number, don't tell him to contact you through Facebook, and please dear god, don't tell him you're seeing someone else that you're not. The average male ego has received enough scuffs to trek through another disappointment. Trust me, you're not going to kill him. Just.Say.No.
   And Gentlemen, you're expected to do the same. Yes, I know, all other girls will hereby conclude that you're an “asshole” for not giving so and so a chance because she is just so wonderful, pretty, kind, lovely, yadda, yadda, yadda....and if you could only see it the two of you would be “so happy together.” Look, if you don't feel it, you don't feel it....regardless of how wonderful this person may actually be. Spare them their pride and don't mislead them down a long road that ends with you making out with the less than well-intentioned, not so girl next door type, in your local neighborhood bar....in front of all of her friends. Just.Say.No.
2. You Actually Could End Up Friends
   I know it sounds cliché, but it is true. This person likely sees a compatibility between you as people and is expressing interest in getting to know you. Stop labeling people with a genuine interest in you as “gross” and start being flattered, you little shits. If you establish the fact that you're not interested early on and extinguish the flames of any sexual tension that person may have been building for you, you can likely make it into a friendship. However, lead them on, let their emotions become invested in a “what could be” moment and the odds of salvaging anything from the situation is doomed....well, for a year or so anyway. People do get over shit eventually.
3. Assertiveness Is Sexy
   This is like the science of sociality. What goes up must come down, energy cannot be created or destroyed, objects fall at the same rate, and assertiveness is sexy; look it up. There is solid truth in “It's not what you say, but how you say it.” This is the line that separates the comedian from the cynic and the politician from the tool on the pedestal. If you can manage to develop one skill in your life, let it be assertiveness. No one respects a person who runs from confrontation, especially someone who runs from a kind soul asking to get to know them better. There are plenty of things to fear in this life, turning down a date shouldn't be one of them. Don't ignore their texts, respond clearly and with confidence in your decision to decline their request: it will serve both of you well. Plus, let's face it, we're adults now. We are at an age where we need to stop pondering “who we are” and finally make up our minds to be whoever that is. Part of being an adult is saying no to going out when you have a long day at work the next day, it is saving money instead of spending it, and it is about not being ashamed to say you know what you want and aren't afraid to get it.....and reject it if you don't. Will some people dislike you for it? Sure, but the odds go way down if you can look them in the eye and say what is going on in your head. Nobody likes to be avoided like the plague. Time to grow up, kids, and Just.Say.No.