Just Say No

This is an official proclamation, a solemn dedication, to just say no. No, no, no.

Assuming you read anything that I say, I am likely to conclude that you have reached your 20s. This being said, I can also conclude that you are in the dating (or whatever) prime of your life. As of late, every talk show and radio program I come across are discussing the new “rejection hotlines” and other miscellaneous cop-out systems for people who just can't seem to grow a sack, people just like me. So, awkwardettes of the world, this is my conclusive list of why just getting it over with and saying “No” is the best possible solution out there.

1. Don't Waste His/Her Time.
   As a whole, men are a pretty clueless breed. The average male has likely tripled the “friend zone” ratio that women have and is exhausted trying to decode the Rubik's Cube of female intention. Pop culture tells women to ignore men that they like while simultaneously telling them to completely ignore men they don't like. So, if you like him: ignore him. If you don't like him: ignore him. Makes sense, right? Wrong.
   Look, Ladies, just say no. That is the only decided way to evade uncomfortable texts and the almost kiss at every door you're trying to close in his face. Stop calling well-intentioned men “creeps” and own up to the fact you're just being a passive little bitch-baby. Don't give him a fake number, don't tell him to contact you through Facebook, and please dear god, don't tell him you're seeing someone else that you're not. The average male ego has received enough scuffs to trek through another disappointment. Trust me, you're not going to kill him. Just.Say.No.
   And Gentlemen, you're expected to do the same. Yes, I know, all other girls will hereby conclude that you're an “asshole” for not giving so and so a chance because she is just so wonderful, pretty, kind, lovely, yadda, yadda, yadda....and if you could only see it the two of you would be “so happy together.” Look, if you don't feel it, you don't feel it....regardless of how wonderful this person may actually be. Spare them their pride and don't mislead them down a long road that ends with you making out with the less than well-intentioned, not so girl next door type, in your local neighborhood bar....in front of all of her friends. Just.Say.No.
2. You Actually Could End Up Friends
   I know it sounds cliché, but it is true. This person likely sees a compatibility between you as people and is expressing interest in getting to know you. Stop labeling people with a genuine interest in you as “gross” and start being flattered, you little shits. If you establish the fact that you're not interested early on and extinguish the flames of any sexual tension that person may have been building for you, you can likely make it into a friendship. However, lead them on, let their emotions become invested in a “what could be” moment and the odds of salvaging anything from the situation is doomed....well, for a year or so anyway. People do get over shit eventually.
3. Assertiveness Is Sexy
   This is like the science of sociality. What goes up must come down, energy cannot be created or destroyed, objects fall at the same rate, and assertiveness is sexy; look it up. There is solid truth in “It's not what you say, but how you say it.” This is the line that separates the comedian from the cynic and the politician from the tool on the pedestal. If you can manage to develop one skill in your life, let it be assertiveness. No one respects a person who runs from confrontation, especially someone who runs from a kind soul asking to get to know them better. There are plenty of things to fear in this life, turning down a date shouldn't be one of them. Don't ignore their texts, respond clearly and with confidence in your decision to decline their request: it will serve both of you well. Plus, let's face it, we're adults now. We are at an age where we need to stop pondering “who we are” and finally make up our minds to be whoever that is. Part of being an adult is saying no to going out when you have a long day at work the next day, it is saving money instead of spending it, and it is about not being ashamed to say you know what you want and aren't afraid to get it.....and reject it if you don't. Will some people dislike you for it? Sure, but the odds go way down if you can look them in the eye and say what is going on in your head. Nobody likes to be avoided like the plague. Time to grow up, kids, and Just.Say.No.