#1 The Reformer
This person has found “it,” and whatever “it” is....they want everyone else in the world to find it too. Whether it be true love, weight-loss, the power of positive thinking, a new organic vegan diet, Jesus Christ, yoga, Buddhism, or _______(inspiration of choice). They have now made it their life mission to persuade anyone and everyone they know into believing their particular brand of fetish and feel a new strange “sympathy” for the rest of the population. If everyone could JUST discover what they've discovered, the world would be rid of its cruelness and insanity. Unfortunately, they walk down a lonesome road of “enlightenment” for about 6 months to 3 years, until they snap out of it and we can all make fun of them.
#2 The Relationship One
You met this person when they were casually dating a good friend of yours. Things were going great between them and your friend until they abruptly ended it and started dating someone else a week later. That relationship lasted about a month until they decided they needed time alone to think about their relationship dependency issue....while simultaneously sleeping with one of their exes and meeting the newest love of their life, who also happens to be the ex of one of their best friends. After an explosive, all-out battle with their now ex-best-friend, they end it with their significant other....so that they can date his/her best friend.
# 3 The Chilled Out One
By Chilled I mean lazy, by Out I mean High. Yep, living in mom and dad's basement, talking about their next big rafting trip aspiration friend.....or their music project that will be getting off the ground ANY time now...when they move to Portland or Seattle or Nashville, or or or or or or.....Anywhere but off the couch to get a real job.
# 4 The Questionably Gay One
You know, that friend of the opposite gender that you spend nearly every waking moment with, having hour-long phone conversations and telling all your darkest secrets to....the one your parents always ask if you're dating and all your guy friends ask “He's gay, right? I mean, not that it matters, I'm not homophobic or anything, it just seems that way.” Then you spend all your time defending their justice and proclaiming that there is absolutely NO possibility that they are gay. They are your best friend, they'd tell you, right? RIGHT?!?! Then you remember that you've spent 439840934802 beside them in bed and they've never tried anything...but they've had exes of the opposite sex so they clearly can't be gay....and you know all the people they've slept with.....so totally not gay......?..........?............
#5 The Pretentious Asshole
You hangout with these people because you spot them across the room and find them ridiculously, crazy sexy in that offbeat Adrien Brody/Zoey Deschanel sorta way. They wear classic black & white Adidas and you love all the same movies, music, and books. You feel like you could talk forever....only problem, THEY TALK FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER. They also tell you what you should and shouldn't like and inevitably end up making you want to gnaw your own arm off. No wonder they stand against the wall by themselves. It's not because they're elusive, it's because they piss people off.....but you keep hanging out with them, because hey, at least they're great at making fun of people who deserve it.
#6 The Party Animal
You hardly know them and the second you walk into the bar they're buying you shots. You try to say “no thanks, I have to drive” while they dismiss whatever it is you're trying to say and refuse to stop cheering you on until you drink the damn shot. You decide they're essentially annoying, but nonetheless, pretty awesome. You can't explain why you like them other than the fact they LOVE you for no reason at all. Their house is decorated like a thrift shop of party: shot glasses, beer mugs, pong tables, glow sticks, lava lamps, beads, and pictures on every mantel from the last 25 trips they've made to the beach. For whatever reason, they're also always missing at least one article of clothing....pants, shoes, shirt, you name it, they can't find it. But hey, you haven't seen anyone naked in a while so you'll take whatever visual you can get.
#7 The Free Spirit
And by this I mean slut. We all have one, that stupendously easy friend of ours. The one you go out with at night but never have to drive back home. The one who says they're “just meeting up with someone for a minute,” and actually means it. The one who is always going in and out of the bar the entire night, trailing whatever piece of *** they're going to conquer by 2am. As I'm sure you know, they have unlimited texting and treat their phone like a precious grenade ready to explode at any minute. Every piece of technology they own is password locked and we all know exactly why (like those photos from 3 summers ago never got out). Every party you attend with them is laced with tension and awkward encounters. You don't mind though, at least they never judge you
#8 ADHD
ADHD friends are great for spans of about 20 minutes. They're like live entertainment you don't have to pay for. Generally speaking, they're insanely talented. They can either sing, dance, skateboard, do back flips outta nowhere, or are the best basketball players you've ever seen. Unfortunately, they remind you of their talents 40 times an hour and refuse to quit performing them like a circus clown while requiring more attention than a rebellious toddler. Just remember, next time don't invite them over until you're already drunk.
#9 The Broke One
“Wanna go with us this weekend to Cincinnati?”
“Can't, I'm broke.”
“Oh, well, we're all going out for drinks tonight. Wanna come to that instead?”
“Nah, no thanks, I don't want to come if I can't afford to drink.”
“I understand. We're all going to my place for a little bit after that, want to swing by?”
“Uhm, I don't have gas in my car and don't get paid til Thursday.”
“OK. You fuck. Want me to pay for everything and come pick you up?”
“I'll be ready in 5. Oh yeah, can you pick me up some cigarettes on the way? I'll pay you when you get here.”
“I thought you were broke.”
“..........................................”
#10 The More Successful One
Maybe I should reword that into the “lucky” one. They're not highly paid because they're hard-working and determined, they're highly paid because they knew someone or were at the right place at the right time. They've landed a job in insurance sales, oil, or the family business, doing some menial task for outrageous pay. They'll remind you constantly of how grueling their job is as a means of downplaying how wealthy they are now. They'll drive an Audi, Jetta, or some other semi-pricey car to establish their new status....nothing too fancy though, they want to remain “humble.” They'll dine with other successful entrepreneur types and order all the finest foods dumbed down to Applebee's quality. Their filets will be well, they'll coat every starch in ranch, and they'll drink at minimum 4 sodas in an hour setting. You can lead a horse to water....but unfortunately, you can't drown the pricks in it.
